35. Court Jester

13th March 2021

Court jesters popular in the middle ages, and not just in Britain, but across the world. They entertained, joked and juggled and occasionally over stepped the mark in a Ben Elton type manner by insulating high powered individuals a little too frequently.

I suppose I’ve taken on a little of the jester role on my hospital visits. Especially during lock down my nurses are really the only 3D people I see outside the family. Every time they come into my hospital room, it’s “Name and Date of Birth please”.  10 times a day. I got bored pretty quickly and started assuming the alias of Mickey Mouse. That obviously only stalled them for so long, it didn’t tally with my hospital wristband.

Then before Xmas, I decided to wear my Monster Feet slippers. I alternatively teased the catering staff that they had put something in my tea, and the nursing staff that ask about any physical changes noted. Word got around and nurses I’d never seen were brought in to see me. One sister, exclaimed ‘Gruffalo feet’. It turned out her 5 year old boy was mad on the Gruffalo.

2 weeks later, back in for more treatment, I asked one of my regular nurses to hunt out the mother of the Gruffalo child. It took some work – I couldn’t remember what she looked like – but she came quizzically to my room. I handed her a child’s pair of monster feet slippers. The next time I saw her she said her boy wouldn’t take them off and was stomping around as the Gruffalo.

I continued my alias as Mickey Mouse, but took it a step further. I kept my hospital wristband and drawing on my teenager forgery years – bus passes, university car parking passes, that sort of thing. I made a new wristband for Mickey Mouse, with his birth date 1928. Well the nurses couldn’t understand, how did I get it, who did it for you. Again my regular nurses invited additional nurses in to check my wrist details. Apparently in their combined 300 years of nursing, no one has done that. My wristband is now pinned on their noticeboard.

Ever since I ordered apple juice with my breakfast, I’ve been fighting myself not to fill the urine sample with it. I don’t know the lab team, and it might be a step too far, wasting their time. So for the moment I’ve restricted myself to discussions about my plan with the nurses.

This last week, I moved up another notch. In these Covid times they call me the day before, run through a set of questions and then remind me of the protocol and I must wear a mask. Well I choose a rather creepy latex pig mask. Nurse after nurse and all the kitchen staff were pushed in to see me. Horror, laughter, swearing and scared faces, and even my regular nurses backing away as I lent forward.

My problem now is the escalation. They’re all waiting to see what I will do next. I’ve an idea. I’d have to be brave to pull it off, it needs to be a grand finalé, so that I can retired back to being me.  Hopefully one that doesn’t insult too many influential people.