6. Bottom Burps

8 May 2019 – Wednesday

Bottom Burps – Gas. Flatulence. Cutting the cheese. Breaking wind. Barking Spiders, Stepped-on ducks, Whizpops.

A quick update, today as I have a lot to do.

Firstly, the hospital specialist I saw yesterday was excellent. A very nice man, whose consultations were running 75 minutes behind by 11:15. Clare and I saw him for 35 minutes, I hate to think what time allocation per patient he has been given by his NHS Trust management bosses!

He had some news which I didn’t much like.

1. One of my very enlarged lymph nodes is very close to the main stomach vein. This has multiple problems. The first line of defence against cancer is to cut it out. Stopping reoccurrence is based on the “margins” they can cut out around the tumours. Basically the more they can take out the less chance of leaving some of the cancer behind in what might currently look like healthy tissue. With it so close to the main vein that are worried about getting a clear enough margin. The vein is the motorway, if cancer gets to the vein then it’s Panzers on a Blitzkrieg and into Poland – my liver, then France – my lungs.

1. I hadn’t appreciated the immediate surgery mortality rates. National average 1 in 25. Rates are defined as being in the first 90 days, but still there’s a chance – maybe 1% – that I meet my maker during surgery. For the avoidance of doubt my maker I regard as a randomised chance collection of chemicals originally formed in the big bang, which itself might have been caused by the random collision of 10 dimensional ‘branes – read up on your string theory.

The additional news is that the surgical procedure I need is a complete mesocolic excision. Although my private consultant didn’t name this procedure I’m sure it is what he drew and Google showed me that he has chaired conferences on topic and associated procedures. I also found this google search – https://scholar.google.co.uk/ which allows you to check academic papers published and the number of times they have been referenced by other scholars. I glad to say, that my man appears pretty good on the subject.

The overall good news – is that the latest research (Aug 2018) on 4 year survival rates for stage 3 cancer requiring a complete mesocolic excision are above 70% – a good proportion up on the 50% I had previously considered (although that was 5 years). Ultimately though after 4 years you have to fall one side of that statistic.

Update on surgery time – the update is there is no update. The local hospital suggested 2-3 weeks. I’m waiting to here from St Mark’s – but this could be a date for next week.

Which though brings me back to the lot to do. There is a real risk of popping off on the operating table. Hence I need to be prepared. Among other things that again brings up the tricky subject of Zara’s A levels. Which start next week and run for 4 weeks.

Options.

1. Don’t tell the kids ( I can be away for work)
2. Tell them but play it down (current preference)
3. Tell them warts and all

Then there’s when? The night before surgery? Two days before? A weekend before? As soon as we know? What if Zara has an exam on the day?

Finally, so I can end on a trumpeting note – “a postoperative ileus (POI) means that it takes your intestines longer to wake up from anesthesia than the rest of you. The ability to pass gas is a clear sign that your gastrointestinal tract is waking up and that POI was never there or is improving.” In other words – Farting is Good.